by Diane Steinbach -- Staff Writer
Last month I talked about making life-lists to help solidify one’s goals and make sometimes abstract thoughts into concrete actions to be achieved.
As I wrote that article, I included a long standing dream of mine of becoming ordained. Again, I don’t want the actual hassles that come with a life of servitude, but just something to hold over people’s heads and help me get a discounted rate at the Super 8 motels.
Don’t get me wrong, I am a spiritual person, having grown up in the Catholic church has however beaten the joy of creation out of me and replaced it with an aching feeling that all that kneeling and chanting was just the evidence of yet another cult. I believe in God, but am still not sure how to define him . . . or her. I believe in Jesus, but am not sure that he wasn’t just a really cool hippy with a lot of great ideas. Obviously I haven’t gotten it all figured out yet.
To complicate the issue, I am a psychic medium, (you heard me) and have long been able to peer through the veil of this world into the next one. What am I seeing? Experiencing? Is it heaven? Hell? Or just another layer of existence we don’t yet understand. Ok, maybe Rod Serling did, but not the rest of us.
So, as I sent off October’s Cynic column, I began to do the easiest thing on my life-list; get ordained online.
I began this adventure with a Google search of free instant online ordinations. If it ain't free and instant, it ain’t for me. I found lots of places that would ordain me for a price, ranging from 150 bucks to 250 for the "starter kit." Too rich for my blood! 150 bucks? That’s like 5 nights-worth of Chinese delivery!
After a few hours searching (I was also doing laundry, so the total search time may be off) I came up with two instant online ordinations.
The first site I found was ‘Compuchurch.com’ where I became a minister through their "Minister O Matic" page. Honest! You just can’t make up something that good! As a member of the cyberspace Universal Life church, I am sure I will be inundated with both snail mail and email regarding what a minister needs to buy in order to tend his flock.
I wasn’t really satisfied with the ‘Compuchurch’ deal though, as I am a God-fearing woman (no lie, I am scared sh**less!) and didn’t really want to reach the pearly gates to be sent to the cyber-heaven all of us internet minister get shoved into. Hence, I continued my search.
Next, I found the ‘Spiritual Humanism Church’ that would happily ordain me in an instant, but wouldn’t provide any kind of certificate that I could flaunt under the noses of the real religious muckity-mucks I wanted to piss off. Um, I mean... oh, never mind. I did kind of dig their philosophy of science and logic, but without the certificate, forget it.
So, finally, I found Universal Life Church (may or may not be affiliated with the cyberspace Universal Life Church) at ulcseminary.org. They had it all; instant ordination, a certificate I can print out at home and a philosophy based on love and kindness. Bingo. I filled out the information, and printed out my certificate, and voila!
Now I realize I still need to buy a few items in order to marry my lesbian friends and perform other rites of passage, but that’s okay. I kind of like being part of some kind of religious organization again, and I am holding my head a bit higher now that I am officially a Reverend.
I am ordained now through two different sites, just to make sure it sticks. That makes me not only a Reverend, but a Reverend to the second power. R2. Granted, I am not a real religious scholar, but maybe that’s what religion needs. More real people and less sheltered hypocrites.
I am hoping the alumni organizations for my Catholic grammar, high school and college aren’t reading this, as I really enjoy getting asked for money and reading about the successful marriages and childbearing of old classmates. Really. I do.
In any case, that’s my brief journey of enlightenment. Stay tuned for more information on a possible church I might start . . . Perhaps the ‘Universal Church of Tofu,’ or ‘Reverend Diane’s 3-D house of God.'
I will start working on the bumper stickers.
Universal Life Church Seminary
The Universal Life Church is a comprehensive online seminary where we have classes in Christianity, Wicca, Paganism, two courses in Metaphysics and much more.
Ordination with the Universal Life Church, is free, and lasts for life, so use the Free Online Ordination, button.We also offer many free wedding ceremonies for your use.
The ULC, run by Rev. Long, has created a chaplaincy program to help train our ministers. We also have a huge catalog of Universal Life Church materials. I've been ordained with the Universal Life Church for many years and it's Seminary since the beginning and have loved watching the continual growth of the seminary.
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